Curse Of The Mummy/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, car theft is a real common thing these days, and they got all kinds of gadgets to lock your steering wheel or sound alarm or set the car on fire. It's all supposed to stop the thief. Well, it's not working. I got a better idea. Get yourself a pretty good hunk of chain, a signal light, and a leg trap of some kind, and what you wanna do is set a reasonable price for each of these items. Sell 'em all at a garage sale. I figure this stuff is worth 35 bucks. Then I take my 35 bills, and I buy a car like this. And car theft is just not gonna happen. [ cheering and applause ] might be time for a decaf. But I do appreciate that. Look what I found, huh? Actually the possum lake museum was having some renovations done because the building is older than the exhibits. So we offered to let them store their stuff at the lodge. That's where I got -- I think this could come in real handy for keeping guys away from the beer fridge. Ceiling fan kind of a -- oh, be careful, red! What? It is extremely dangerous to touch old things when you don't know where they've been. Oh, yeah, is that why ann marie never holds your hand? Well, I am telling you, red, that there is a reason that those artifacts are in museums. They have sort of a supernatural power that transcends the passage of time. So does the lodge chili, dalton. I'm not gonna worry -- that's not what I'm talking about. Look what I found! The kids are gonna love this. A 2000-year-old rapper. [ laughter ] I call him mummy dearest. You guys shouldn't be foolin' around with this, I'm tellin' you. Well, go ahead. Tell us. We're listening. Yeah, and you've got this guy's rapt attention. Okay, you guys fool around as much as you want. I guarantee that this will come back to haunt you, because, trust me, every mummy comes with a curse. Wow, what's his problem? Unhappy childhood. He was a mummy's boy. [ laughter ] it's time to play the possum lodge word game. [ cheers and applause ] our contestant today is mr. Mike hamar. [ applause ] and he's going to be playing for this plastic frog that croaks whenever you walk in front of it. [ frog croaking ] okay, let's just leave it there. Okay, now, um, hide your ears and plug your eyes. Okay, now, red. Yep. You've got 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word. Yeah, all right, ed. All right. And go! Okay, mike, lawyers are called to this. The gates of hades, to burn in the flames of eternal damnation? No. Okay, let's say you go into the united states, and the customs officer knows you've got a record. Yeah. So he won't let you in. He blanks your entry. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my entry. Okay. All right. Now, mike, mike, when you get up in the morning and you look out your window, what's the first thing you see? Bars. No, no, no, that's not exactly right. It's close. Okay, mike, it's not bars, but -- gay bars? No, no. Gay kung fu bars? You're almost outta time, red. Okay, mike, when you were a kid, your mother would give you a treat. She'd give you a chocolate -- gun? But I didn't eat it, though. I used it to rob one of the big kids. I got his candy bar. [ applause ] harold. Uncle red. What are you doing in the utility closet? Checking out the cleaning supplies, harold. Uncle red, that's stealing. Oh, harold, this is a big company. They've got lots of bucks. They expect a certain amount of shrinkage. It's in the budget. Well, it's also on the security camera. Oh, okay. No, good. You know, harold, I couldn't sleep at night. I was worried you were in a low security building. That's good to know. Yes, well, there's also a camera in the closet. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, good. Good -- good -- good, harold. That's good to know. I'm glad I checked that out. You know, uncle red, I think you have a misconception about the relationship between the employee and the employer. I don't actually have an employer, harold. Well, that's no big surprise. You have your arm around me. Well, that's because I'm trying to be a friend, and friends don't let friends do bad things. The arm, harold. Oh, uh -- uncle red, I work for this company. This company's tied to my future. You know, if you steal from the company, well, you're stealing from me. What's this about, harold? I'm trying to make a point. Is this about the pen set? No, the stapler. Fine. Thank you. Did you steal my pen set too? This is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke, you're not trying. Joining us today is hap shaugnessy. What have you got for us there, hap? Well, this is a lie detector, red. It's supposed to light up and buzz if anybody tells a lie, but it seems to go off sporadically for no reason. It's not me, is it? You not tellin' the truth? No, that's impossible. [ buzzer ] seems to be working fine, hap. No, no, no, it isn't. Watch this. Watch this. My name is hap shaugnessy, and I'm the first man to swim under both poles, climb mount fuji, and land on the moon. Well, I guess it's all right now. No, no, no, no! I'll take a look at it here. Yeah, you might as well. Wouldn't hurt to check it out. I wish I'd done that with the front suspension when I set the land speed record. 800 miles an hour, straddling a 747 engine, strapped to a grocery cart. Luckily I was in the child seat, so I was facing backwards when she went off the track. You know how grocery carts always have that one shaky wheel? Here's the problem. You've got a blown fuse here. I think I've got one of these. I wonder how that could've happened? I was running it on normal house power. I built my own thermonuclear generator, but I'm not gonna start it up until I'm sure I don't want a family. Well, it might've been a bad fuse. Maybe you've got a spike in the line, or something. There we go. There we go. Give that a try. Say something. Say something. What do you want me to say? I don't know what to say. I never know what to say. Right after the war, eisenhower wanted me to meet churchill. I'm figuring, oh, boy -- you know one thing that's gotten real popular over the last few years is gardening. I don't mean the ordinary kind of gardening, where you grow carrots and tomatoes and barley and hops. I'm talking about the fancy gardens. You know, with the exotic plants in them, the waterfall and the sound and lights and everything. So today I'm going to show you how to make a cheap yet impressive centrepiece for your garden. Now, I know you could just wire speakers and lights all over your yard, but then the next thing you know, you've electrocuted a groundhog, and the greenpeacers are all -- so we're gonna go another way. We're gonna use wind power. All's you need is an old bike and a set of drums. You can get a full set of drums pretty cheap. All you gotta do is hang around a music store, until some parent comes in and buys a set of drums for their kid. Just get their address, wait about a month, you'll be able to buy the whole set back for about ten cents on the dollar. All right, now, the first step is you wanna turn the bike into a windmill stand. You're pretty much on your own there. I don't believe there's a manual for that particular conversion. Okay, step two now. I just gotta mount the base drum onto the windmill stand. I've already attached the unit to the bicycle wheel, using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. But I want you to notice something here. I've had to remove the struts on this on this side of the bicycle, which means I've weakened the structural integrity of the bike itself, so I have to compensate for that by really horsing down the axle to the other side. [ grunting ] okay, we're just about done here. I've, uh, added a couple of drum sticks. They're actually hinged to the rim of the drum. So as she goes round, they're gonna hit the floor tom and then the snare, and then on the top side, they slam up against the base drum. So I get a down beat on the base drum, I get my back beat on the snare, I get a funky riff happening on the floor tom, all against a steady ride on the cymbals. This is not just a garden ornament, this is a happening. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now all we gotta do is wait for the wind. [ drum solo playing ] I wanna talk to you middle-aged do-it-yourselfers out there. I know you're the kind of guy that, when something breaks, you think it's your right and your duty to try to fix it. Even if it doesn't break, sometimes you want to just take something apart to see how it works before you'll use it. And a lot of times, when you take it apart to see how it works, it doesn't. Okay, I know this is a key part of your behavior, it might even be how you define yourself, but I'm tellin' you, there are certain things that you just shouldn't fool around with... A portable dialysis machine; somebody else's wife; anything with one of those radioactive stickers on it. I know this is gonna be hard to hear from me, but I gotta tell you, there are certain times you just gotta say, I can't fix this, okay? Don't say it out loud. Just put all the parts of the vcr or the computer back to where they were -- or as close as you can get 'em. Then what you say real loud is, boy, this is a bad design. I would never have put the comstater so close to the pulse regulator. Then what you wanna do is go over to the phone -- not the one you fixed, the other one, the one that works. Do yourself a favour and call a professional. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. Red, red, you know, you shouldn't be doin' that. Your little mummy was an egyptian prince in 600 b.C. It says his entire family was strangled, and he's vowed to come back and return the favour! Yep. I told you there was a curse. This mummy's dangerous! I've got him under control, dalton. Hold it right there, bandage boy. [ laughter ] I give up. Oh, you know, these people who work in museums, eh? They must have a lot of laughs. Oh, here's sir lancelot. This armour is great. I can handle anything with this stuff on. Except rain. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, you know. You know, it must've been really neat, sort of, living in the olden days. You know those days before neighbourhood watch and police radios and stuff. Mike, I'm just thinking. You know you're about the same body style as the mu -- you know we could do a switch and play a real trick on dalton. Huh? Huh? Okay! Yeah, but let's not kill him or anything. No, no. No, all right. No, no, no. Tell you what. You get that armour off. I've got some old bandages down in the basement. We'll just -- you know. Okay, well, put him on the workbench downstairs. I'm gonna get me a drink. Okay, but you can't drink here. You have to go to an all-"knight" tavern. [ laughter ] did you like that one? [ applause ] oh, oh, red green. This is great. I was wondering when you'd get here. Didn't you see me get out of my van? Well, yeah, but it's a lot a steps for somebody like you with a -- well, it's great to see you. Oh, I've got some exciting news. I'm going to be turning my watchtower into a small educational museum of the forest. You gonna be one of the exhibits, gord? No, no, I'm going to be the museum curator. Do you know what that means? Not in this case, no. I'm going to be in charge of all the exhibits. Here's my first museum piece here. Can you figure out what this is? Yeah, that's poison ivy. That's right. That's exactly what that is. Oh, here's another one. Can you tell me what this is? Well, yeah, that's just a slice of a tree, showing you the tree rings there. That's right. Now, what can we learn from this slice of tree, as you call it? That you have a chain saw, which scares me, frankly. Oh, no, we can learn far more than that. Allow me to educate. You see this outermost ring here? You mean the bark? That's correct. Now, I can tell by looking at this ring that this is exactly when this tree was cut down. Wow. Oh, yeah. Just by looking at it. Now, let's move on to the next five outermost rings. I can tell by looking at these that all of these years had something in common. The summers were short, cool, and very, very lonely. [ whimpering ] and if you look closer, okay, you can see that there wasn't a woman here or here or here... All right, gord. Ever! Is it possible that you're letting your personal problems affect this? No, no, I know there's never been a woman here. I should know, I'm the museum curator. Yeah, okay, gord, gord, now, it's time for you to make a decision here. If you want to protect the forest, you have to live here in the fire tower; if you wanna meet a woman, you're gonna have to move into town and get professional help. So what's it gonna be? Girls or squirrels? Squirrels. Just don't let them bury you, gord. Red: Just enjoying a drink of pop, waiting for a little help to move a fridge. Where are my helpers? Oh, some golfers may end up as my helpers, whether they wanna be or not. Hey, dalton. That's walter. No, no, no, not just yet. I'll give you the ball back, but you gotta help me. Just gotta move the fridge, just down a few steps. Just a couple of steps down -- you know, it looks worse than it is. I think once we get it -- hey, look, it's not -- we're not going up. You know. Everybody grab a corner. It's not that bad. Up she goes. Push her up. Come on, one, two -- everybody together -- two, three, up. Everybody up. Up, up. Everybody up. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Okay, okay -- yeah. All right, no, I should have emptied it. Okay, all right. Okay, fine. Fine, fine, fine. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just take a minute here. There we go. Ah, okay. That's it. Away we go. Everybody grab a corner. Let's go. Let's go. One, two, three, up she goes there. And up, up. Man, oh, man. Okay, we're doin' good. We're doin' fine. Okay. Oop. Oh, oh, oh. O-o-oh! Oh, geez. Oh, oh. Oh, man. Oh, oh, geez. Now, walter's a young fella, doesn't have a girlfriend, so he has power. There we go. All right, look at this. Take her up. Take her up. Sometimes it's easier for one man to do a job, you know -- he can balance it and, you know -- he's got what they call a balanced load. None of the rest of us have that. Take her up. Get her up where -- okay, okay, now, walter, set her down on your head. Set her down right on your head, that flat part there. Well, it'll be flat in a minute. There we go. There we go. Now bal -- bal -- easy, easy. Easy, easy, easy. Use the hand railings. That's what they're there for there you go. There you go. Hey, where's my can of pop? Man, I could really -- anybody seen my pop? Oh, there it is. Oh, oh! All right, now, don't try this at home, kids. He's -- watch out -- oh! O-o-oh! Oh, my gosh. Holy cow. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, my -- don't worry, we're comin', walter. We're comin'. Oh, oh, oh -- oh! Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Ah, wow. Well, we got her down there. Okay, I'll just plug that in, and we can go up and get the groceries. And I don't know where walter got to, but anyway -- oh, there he is. Well, you seem a little chilly. All right, there's your golf ball back. You've earned it. Thanks, walter. Oh, hi. Hey, how are you? Oh, right, um -- welcome to mike's teen talk. Today I wanna talk about blaming your parents. It's important not to do that. You know, I never blamed my mom or any of my dads. They were too busy living their own lives, you know, trying to make ends meet and comin' up with a believable alibi. Maybe it's time you grew up a little bit, eh? Maybe it's time you became an adult. And to do that, you gotta stop blamin' your parents and put the blame where it really belongs... On the system. The system really sucks. Like, say you pilfer a little money from your parents. They might ground you for a few nights in your little home, right? Well, you pilfer some money from a bank, and they'll ground you for a few years in their big house! Or say you're fed up with your parents because they won't let you borrow their only car. General motors has millions of cars, and they get really upset if you borrow their's! And talk about your parents' rules. Have you ever seen the penal code? Talk about strict! So I'd stick with my parents, if I were you. Sure they're tough, but at least with your parents, you're eligible for parole when you're 18. That's it. Oh, great, eh? You found the bandages? Man, you look terrific. You're gonna scare the crap outta dalton. This is great. This is great. He's comin' now, so just have some fun with it. Red, you wanted to see me? Yeah, you know, dalton, I've been thinking about this curse of the mummy thing. I think there might be something to that. Why? What -- did something bad happen? No, no, no, nothing happened, but you know, you just never know. Red! Why take chances? Red! What? What? I think I saw that mummy move! See, dalton, you know, you get so carried away. Why can't you just go along with -- ah! Red! Mummy! The mummy! You see, this is why nobody believes you, because you overreact. No don't. It's alive! It's alive, red! What are you talkin' about? Ah! Dalton, do something. Do something. All right. All right. That's enough, mike. Go take the bandages off. That's all right. That's good. Ah! Dalton, come on. It's not the mummy. It's only mike. Come on, it's only mike. We played a joke on you. It's only mike. It's just mike. That's all it is. Hey, mike! Mike! Yes, mr. Green? [ applause and laughter ] [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Yeah. Come on, dalton. Um, if my wife is watchin', uh, I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting. I'm hoping you can explain what just happened here, unless you think it's better that I don't know, like that way you handled the whole childbirth thing. Uh, the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your mummy on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com okay, we gotta start the meeting. Sit down. Everybody sit down. Sit down. Sit down. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Closed captioning provided by